ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
