Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
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I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
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I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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