Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.