and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome