I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
