Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
