a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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