Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
