I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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