You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
