Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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