I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
