there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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