how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
