and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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