This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
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