so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I enjoy the company of your penis
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