you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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