Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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