It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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