He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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