Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
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Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
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In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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