He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Your penis caused this!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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