I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
