AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
