when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
