drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Alive.
So much puke
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
