I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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