Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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