there's paper in my vomit.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
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I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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