What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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