when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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