I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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