I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
