Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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