i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you win again, gameday.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
