i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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