my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
