I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
