I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
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I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
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The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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