she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
