I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
