cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Two words: nipple clamps
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