Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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