A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
