Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
