Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
