he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
