my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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