The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
