Kareoke will never be a sober sport
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
