Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
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I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
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Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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