I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
