Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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