I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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