Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
